Movie Review: The ABCs of Death (2012) Horrorathon

abcs-of-death

Reviewed by: Freekz80 (Blake Mickatavage)

Hmm. Well, I don’t really know where to start. The ABCs of Death is… strange. But that isn’t the end of it. It consists of 26 short films put together by 26 directors. Each director was given a letter of the alphabet and picked a word starting with that letter to use as the subject of a short film. Plot development is non-existent, so I won’t be giving you guys a summary. There aren’t any primary actors  either, so I won’t bother listing any. Let’s just dive right in to what works and what doesn’t.

What works:

abcs-of-death1
Don’t worry bro, I couldn’t masturbate to a one legged woman or pedophilia either.

Uhh.. yeah, this section is going to be a bit blank. Sorry guys. I really can’t think of anything that stood out to me. This was not in the least an enjoyable viewing experience. I almost couldn’t sit through this entire movie, I had to pause it a few times to wrap my head around what I just saw. Poison, I tell you. Nothing else to be seen here.

What doesn’t work:

ABCsOfDeathAnthros
Brooklyn Rage! I don’t wanna be a furry!

What doesn’t work? Get ready; Nearly EVERYTHING. I was surprisingly appalled at how ridiculous and stupid nearly ALL of the shorts were, and I am generally a pretty accepting guy when it comes to different films. Not only this, but a few of them were downright offensive. I’ll got into depth.

F is for Farts:

abcs-of-death-f-is-for-fart

Self explanatory. Was Noboru Iguchi a 3rd grader directing this? This was a pretty terrible attempt at comedy, and the horror aspect is just non-existent.

D is for Dogfight:

My feelings are a bit strong here. The short is violent, gory, and uses some decent cinematography techniques. However, I am pretty disgusted when it comes to brutality towards animals. It attempts a conclusion that gives you a sense of justice, but it didn’t really work for me. I found this particularly offensive.

L is for Libido:

L-IS-FOR-LIBIDO-1200x675

Right. This short was pretty disturbing, and I was ready to stop the movie entirely after viewing it. Basically, the first of two confined men to masturbate to ejaculation while observing a given subject is spared, the other is murdered. However, when the two men are shown a young boy on a bed being approached by a large, older man, I about lost my shit.

P is for Pressure:

This short pissed me off in the same way “D is for Dogfight” did. It didn’t make a whole lot of sense entirely, but this may be due to the fact that I had my palm over my face after watching the 15 previous shorts. It ends with a kitten being intentionally crushed under a woman’s stiletto. Yeah, fuck that.

Z is for Zetsumetsu

This short referenced the badass masterpiece Dr. Strangelove and seemed to incorporate some valuable themes. However, it did so while displaying explicit nudity and a hermaphrodite swinging around her gigantic bladed penis. Seriously. What the fuck was Nishimura thinking?

These are just a few examples of the trash that was laid before my eyes. Overall, I felt almost every character and situation wasn’t even remotely believable, which immediately removes any horror aspects from the film. Also, at least one of the shorts seemed to be filmed with a potato (I’m looking at you, Andrew Traucki.) The film and art styles were so inconsistent that it felt like I was watching a playlist of the most garbage excuses for horror comedy put together by 15 year old YouTubers. Granted, with 26 different directors, I don’t know what I expected. I can, however, say with confidence that I would rather watch 2 Girls 1 Cup than view this film again. It is simply incredibly disappointing that with a sample size of 26, not a single one of the short films was remotely enjoyable to me. Every 5 minutes or so I was reminded why I wanted to shut the movie off and burn my computer.

Final Verdict:

&^#$#!
&^#$#!

This shouldn’t be very surprising. 1/10. I know it may seem extreme and normally I would say that you must view the film to understand, but please, do yourself a favor and stay as far away from this atrocity as possible. CinematiChris, I despise you for recommending I watch this. I wouldn’t even suggest watching the trailer below. This is one of the worst movies I have watched thus far. I’m done for the day, heh.

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