Category Archives: Abysmal

Movie Review: The Nut Job (2014)

the-nut-job_movieposter_1389653091Reviewed by: Phantomhour (Brendan Graham)

I think it’s pretty safe to say I’m a kid at heart, and I’m not ashamed to say I like going to see kids movies, because let’s face it, they’re a lot of fun, and most of the time really aimed towards us anyways with the jokes that fly over every kid in the crowd. Animated movies are always a big winner in the box office, and every year we see more and more studios try to jump on the coat tails of Dreamworks and Pixar. However, it doesn’t always work out in their favors, and this is a prime example of why.

Surly (Will Arnett) is a squirrel who only looks out for himself. Always on the lookout for the latest score, he constantly tries to outwit and out eat the critters from the park in which he resides. The park is having trouble gathering food for winter, and Surly makes it worse by botching a “Nut Job” that causes a propane tank to fly into the tree in which they all live in causing a catastrophe that may destroy the lives of his fellow animal folk.

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What Works:

The film’s strongest asset, is the voice cast. Will Arnett, Katherine Heigl, Liam Neeson, all these names draw you into the movie, and they do the best that they can with the material provided to them. I guess I could be nice and say that the animal models are nicely detailed, the fur is rendered nicely, and the scenery is quite lovely and well put together, kudos to the modelers and texture artists at their studio.

the-nut-job-movie-photo-11What Doesn’t Work:

Where should I start with this disaster of a kids flick. I complimented the studio on grabbing such big actors that provided the few bits of entertainment I managed to grab from this film. I’ll give them that, but they lose points for such an abysmal screenplay. The jokes are not clever, they rely on really poor vulgar human to try and get the kids laughing while the parents are cringing. The story is messy, and it’s very hard to find anyone you really want to cheer for, the character arcs are stitched together in a rather juvenile pattern. It’s also predictably dull.

While the movie looks nice, the animation is lazy, the crew relied on old tricks to cut corners. Animators try to avoid to have “twinning” occur, where body parts are doing the same thing, or moving the same way at the same time, and the same exact position. These animators didn’t seem to care, or the product was rushed to theaters so they never had time to adjust and put some careful timing in their movements. It looks unnatural, and very off putting.

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The sound design is frightful, and the soundtrack doesn’t fit at all. There’s only so many times you can hear Gangnam Style in a movie before it gets dreadfully old. While the voice cast does their best, most of the minor characters are terrible, and Grayson (played by Brendan Fraser) is one of the worst, bad dialogue and often times his delivery of lines are just painful to listen to on top of that.

Final Score

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I don’t know what else I can say about this movie, so I’ll leave you with this. Want to know how bad this movie was? My three year old daughter got bored and wandered off. If a kid can’t stand it, there’s a good chance you won’t either.¬†1.5 Nuts out of 10.

 

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Review: Dragonball Evolution (2009)

Wow. It’s finally happened. A film so laughably, horrendously bad, I can barely call it that. This… product is horrible. Just horrible. And that’s speaking separated from my childhood love of the entire Dragonball franchise. From a filmmaking standpoint, this is an abomination. Ugh. Where should I start? The few good parts, I suppose?

What Worked:

Ummm… my favorite Ghostbuster was in it for about 30 seconds? …The Piccolo makeup wasn’t terrible…?

What Didn’t:
So much was wrong with this film, even without aforementioned bias. The script was terrible, jumping from random location to random location without any sense of worldbuilding or character development. Most of the acting was downright atrocious, as were many of the effects. I’ve seen some of my close friend’s unrendered digital FX work that they’ve only been messing with for an hour that looked better. Let me rephrase that, their work looked like Peter Jackson’s WETA masterpieces in comparison.

Evidently this is high budget?

I don’t know if he’s gained some skill since or just didn’t care during filming, but Justin Chatwin’s acting was horrid in this. It appeared like the only way he could emote was through the vein in his forehead. Though he wasn’t even the worst part, acting-wise. , the man playing Yamcha, clearly did not know the English language, and seemed as if he were always reading off a cue card slightly off-screen.

Final Score:
If you want to see how bad an evidently big-budget film can get, check this out. Otherwise, stay away.

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Movie Review: The ABCs of Death (2012) Horrorathon

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Reviewed by: Freekz80 (Blake Mickatavage)

Hmm. Well, I don’t really know where to start. The ABCs of Death is… strange. But that isn’t the end of it. It consists of 26 short films put together by 26 directors. Each director was given a letter of the alphabet and picked a word starting with that letter to use as the subject of a short film. Plot development is non-existent, so I won’t be giving you guys a summary. There aren’t any primary actors ¬†either, so I won’t bother listing any. Let’s just dive right in to what works and what doesn’t.

What works:

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Don’t worry bro, I couldn’t masturbate to a one legged woman or pedophilia either.

Uhh.. yeah, this section is going to be a bit blank. Sorry guys. I really can’t think of anything that stood out to me. This was not in the least an enjoyable viewing experience. I almost couldn’t sit through this entire movie, I had to pause it a few times to wrap my head around what I just saw. Poison, I tell you. Nothing else to be seen here.

What doesn’t work:

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Brooklyn Rage! I don’t wanna be a furry!

What doesn’t work? Get ready; Nearly EVERYTHING. I was surprisingly appalled at how ridiculous and stupid nearly ALL of the shorts were, and I am generally a pretty accepting guy when it comes to different films. Not only this, but a few of them were downright offensive. I’ll got into depth.

F is for Farts:

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Self explanatory. Was Noboru Iguchi a 3rd grader directing this? This was a pretty terrible attempt at comedy, and the horror aspect is just non-existent.

D is for Dogfight:

My feelings are a bit strong here. The short is violent, gory, and uses some decent cinematography techniques. However, I am pretty disgusted when it comes to brutality towards animals. It attempts a conclusion that gives you a sense of justice, but it didn’t really work for me. I found this particularly offensive.

L is for Libido:

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Right. This short was pretty disturbing, and I was ready to stop the movie entirely after viewing it. Basically, the first of two confined men to masturbate to ejaculation while observing a given subject is spared, the other is murdered. However, when the two men are shown a young boy on a bed being approached by a large, older man, I about lost my shit.

P is for Pressure:

This short pissed me off in the same way “D is for Dogfight” did. It didn’t make a whole lot of sense entirely, but this may be due to the fact that I had my palm over my face after watching the 15 previous shorts. It ends with a kitten being intentionally crushed under a woman’s stiletto. Yeah, fuck that.

Z is for Zetsumetsu

This short referenced the badass masterpiece Dr. Strangelove and seemed to incorporate some valuable themes. However, it did so while displaying explicit nudity and a hermaphrodite swinging around her gigantic bladed penis. Seriously. What the fuck was Nishimura thinking?

These are just a few examples of the trash that was laid before my eyes. Overall, I felt almost every character and situation wasn’t even remotely believable, which immediately removes any horror aspects from the film. Also, at least one of the shorts seemed to be filmed with a potato (I’m looking at you, Andrew Traucki.) The film and art styles were so inconsistent that it felt like I was watching a playlist of the most garbage excuses for horror comedy put together by 15 year old YouTubers. Granted, with 26 different directors, I don’t know what I expected. I can, however, say with confidence that I would rather watch 2 Girls 1 Cup than view this film again. It is simply incredibly disappointing that with a sample size of 26, not a single one of the short films was remotely enjoyable to me. Every 5 minutes or so I was reminded why I wanted to shut the movie off and burn my computer.

Final Verdict:

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This shouldn’t be very surprising. 1/10. I know it may seem extreme and normally I would say that you must view the film to understand, but please, do yourself a favor and stay as far away from this atrocity as possible. CinematiChris, I despise you for recommending I watch this. I wouldn’t even suggest watching the trailer below. This is one of the worst movies I have watched thus far. I’m done for the day, heh.